A long, long time ago (I think it was within the first five posts on this blog) I wrote about my troubles with reading the Bible. I had at one time been an avid (or religious) reader. I read through the Bible cover to cover in my graduating year of high school and twice more during my two years at Bible College. But since then sporadic (or maybe non-existent) would be the best word to describe my commitment to this discipline. It's certainly a little guilt-inducing that I would much rather read what someone else writes about the Bible than reading it myself.
I have wondered for a while why this was, but any commitment to changing has been put off, or blamed on having small children, or maybe it's that I really didn't want to change... Or maybe I just wanted a break (is that allowed?). Putting it off has become more difficult the past few weeks because of numerous things, but particularly because of Jeff's sermon series and Sunday school class.
I guess most of my aversion to reading the Bible regularly stemmed from a couple difficult years in Bible College - I had very high expectations of what studying what I believed would entail. I don't want to paint all Bible Colleges with the same brush, but many I came into contact with saw scripture as God. They would have rather held onto some obscure verse with a death grip than acknowledge that the gospel, the story of Jesus, or an understanding of grace contradicted their interpretations. The words were more important than the Word (incidentally, I've started my reading in John 1, my most favorite passage in the Bible - John 1 is where it all comes together for me). And if these words were indeed of the highest importance, the logical conclusion was to read the Bible all the more religiously; looking for direction for my life hidden within verses and numbers and stories. I found comfort in scripture, found knowledge in scripture, rationalized poor decisions through scripture, found self righteousness through scripture... But I didn't find God. And after a couple years I found that I had such a skewed view of who God was, that I was ready to give up and throw in the towel. That is how my regular Bible reading ended. And since then, though I've become increasingly passionate about learning who God is, reading the Bible on my own seems strangely dangerous to me...
... Like walking down a dark alley alone.
Devotion is more important than doing devotions (thanks Kelly), though the two are both intwined and codependent. Maybe I did just need a break... needed to refocus, needed to get better acquainted with Jesus before I tackled Judges (something tells me I'm not quite ready for reading that alone). But in the end, I guess I do have a higher opinion of scripture than I once did. Before I read it selfishly - looking for answers, looking for justification, looking for truth, looking for love. Now, maybe I can just read it for what it is.
And that should be more than enough.
Labels: faith, life in general, scripture